


Ashe Ubert, Human Disaster

by IncorrectEcho



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Anxiety, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-30
Updated: 2020-06-30
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:47:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24991762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IncorrectEcho/pseuds/IncorrectEcho
Summary: After Edelgard seized control of Fódlan, she revamps the government and puts Constance in charge of the Parks and Recreation department. When she’s out of money, she and Ashe organize an event fundraiser and go on a media blitz that’s sure to leave a mark.
Relationships: Constance von Nuvelle/Ashe Ubert
Comments: 2





	Ashe Ubert, Human Disaster

“Mercedes, I possibly cannot continue with this.” Constance was terrified to set foot in Enbarr City Hall.   
“It’s okay Constance, you’ll feel better once we’re inside.” Mercie replied. Constance after all these years still had the tendency to self-deprecate when she was out in the sun.  
“Oh no Mercedes, you are the most beautiful nun in existence. I pity the people who ever thought they could stand close to you in esteem. Including myself.” Constance continued.   
“Thanks. Now walk through the door. You’ll do great.” Mercie replied, almost pushing her against the baroque palace doors.   
“I will. Goodbye, have fun rescuing the world. I will try to not embarrass myself today.” Constance slithered into the building.

The moment Constance walked into City Hall, her energy was rejuvenated. Not just because the sun disappeared with the closing of the door, but also because she genuinely loved her new job. Sure, it wasn’t Nuvelle, but as a public servant in Edelgard’s new Fódlan, she was ready to shine.

She could’ve chosen a better department though.

“Hello, is this the Parks and Rec department?” an old lady asked to Constance as she walked into her office.   
“Yes it is ma’am.” Constance nodded politely, turning away from the door to properly connect with her constituent.  
“My dog was killed by a raccoon.” the lady said with a blunt tone of voice.  
“That is a shame and you have my deepest condolences and I vow to tackle this town’s raccoon problem head-on.” Constance replied in sincerity, nodding along with the woman’s woes.  
“Actually it was my husband but insurance doesn’t cover that.” the old lady rattled on as she shrugged.  
“Still, the raccoon problem is huge in here and I vow to fix it.” Constance said with a determined look in her eyes, yearning to go inside of the office and energize her team to enact real change on the raccoon issue.  
”You better, one of those bastards killed my husband.” the old lady said.

Constance working for the Parks and Recreation department was nothing short of irony, but this position was considered to be a challenge among Enbarr politicians, and Constance loved herself a good challenge if it were to help drive the city forward. 

“Hey, where is everybody? This whole place is basically worthless without people to run it.” Constance said as she saw a barren office.   
“No worries miss von Nuvelle, I’m still here.” Aelfric said while working on some paperwork at his desk.  
“Yeah, I know. Basically worthless.” Constance said. 

A familiar face peeked out of the conference room. “Constance von Nuvelle! Come on in!” a man said with an enthusiastic cadence in his voice. “Hello Ferd, something wrong?” Constance said as she walked towards the conference room.

“So, what are we all talking about here?” Constance said as she took a chair in the full conference room.   
“That’s what I say every single day at this job.” Hubert said in a defeated tone. While Edelgard personally appointed him to be the director of this department, Hubert still felt demoted.   
“Oh, you know. Stuff.” Hapi said in a disinterested tone of voice.  
Sylvain snorted before hanging back again in his chair.  
“Yeah, smart stuff even!” Balthus added to the brief of his girlfriend.  
“Now, before we continue, we have to remember that we, as a group, can do anything. With our thoughts, we can change the world. And, with that, fill the gap that this war left on our towns and our fragile sense of selves.” Ferdinand said with his thumbs up, but his heart down.  
“Cool, so it’s up to me to tell the bad news?” Ashe scoffed. “Fine then. We’re out of funding.” he said with a brash voice. Hubert giggled. Ashe was new to the department, being called in as financial expert. The cold Faerghus spirit occasionally clashed with the city of Enbarr, but his colleagues quickly accepted him.

“So? We’ll make Aelfric walk to the palace to ask for funding.” Constance said while taking a sip from her coffee. “Aelfric!” she yelled while opening the door.  
“Please don’t invite him in. Then he can see us.” Hapi said, trying to hold in a sigh.  
“You know you can sigh right? We fixed that last week. You don’t summon demonic beasts anymore.” Constance said as she sat back down.  
“Or do I?.” Hapi said as she pointed to Aelfric walking into the room.  
“Hey guys, what do you need. I got coffee, donuts and the paperwork you asked me to do.” Aelfric said.  
“Oh we were just leaving.” Hubert said, giving a smile and a nod to the Abyss’ old liaison, after which Aelfric happily went back to his desk.

“I’d say we fire him.” Sylvain added to the conversation. “We can then hire an intern. I’ve already contacted several options and I think that in the name of diversity, we should pick the hottest lady.”   
“I saaay, we unfix my demonic sigh, let ‘em trample City Hall, say the raccoons did it.” Hapi said as she looked at her nails.  
“Excellent energy, Hapi! But, we cannot destroy City Hall.” Ferdinand pointed at Hapi.  
“Now now von Aegir, don’t be so negative.” Hubert said with a wide grin.

Ashe rolled his eyes three times, sighed and then opened his mouth. “Edelgard expects all department to earn their own revenue. Government money should not be wasted, every cent needs to serve a purpose. If our finances are not balanced, she will abolish parks departments. Either we need results, or we are out of a job.” Ashe summed up.

“Well, then there’s only one option. Two, if we count Hapi’s suggestion. We show the people how important parks are. Anyone thinking what I’m thinking?” Constance looked around the room.  
Balthus nodded. “We punch raccoons and steal their lunch money....”   
Constance shook her head. “No. We’re throwing a park market party.”

Constance divided the tasks. “Sylvain, get all your skanks alerted. Young women are the first line in hot summer activities. Ashe, you and I know you’re the best at running Abyss-ness.” she said as Ashe slammed his head on the table.   
“Ferdinand, I want sports activities. Everything that looks like it’s healthy for children, I want it there.” she continued. Ferdinand gave a thumbs up and a teeth-baring smile.  
“Hapi. You beautiful talented mystery. I want your style. Always have, but especially now.” Constance smiled, Hapi shyly smiling back. “I guess.” she shrugged.  
“Balthus, I want you to play music. Something new, something modern.” 

Aelfric walked in. “Hey, something I can do?”   
“Aelfric, I need you to post flyers.” Constance pointed.   
“What kind of flyers? For what?” Aelfric asked.  
“Look Aelfric, I can’t do everything myself I’m gonna need some initiative here.” she said as she dismissed him. Aelfric walked out.

“Ashe and I are going to spread the word even further by visiting the media.” Constance said as she slammed her hands on the table to appear more boss-like. “Let’s make history”

The next day, she, Ashe and Mercie showed up in Enbarr’s centre city. “Ferdie said this morning that we will be in the presence of royalty at the festival. I feel unworthy, yet excited.” Constance teased the upcoming surprise. “Hapi has also invited most of the Abyss’ most wonderful residents. I am absolutely star-struck to be in the presence of such amazing colleagues, that I do not deserve, for I am the weakest link in this operation.”

“Speaking of star-struck, ready for the media blitz today?” Mercie said, tea in hand as they strutted through the city of promise.   
Constance shivered in the bright sun. “Absolutely not. Thank you for reminding me of my incoming failure to woo the famous comedian, Alois Rangeld.” 

While not journalistically fact-checked, Alois’ take on the news and current events was the closest to a talk show Enbarr had to offer, with his comedic theatre show Ya Rangeld? being a hit every single day, being one of the blockbuster shows in town. 

The three entered the building, with Constance’s sun anxiety making place for regular anxiety. Constance held Ashe’s hand and squeezed it tight. Ashe merely smiled. He hasn’t been outside of Faerghus for long, but when the Emperor asks ya, you gotta comply. He wasn’t too sure he should stay either, but seeing how Constance adapted so well from Abyss he thought about it. She’s really gotten far and it wasn’t so bad in the rich man's world when she was around.

But still, this money world was one much less dark and more whimsical. It made him nervous. 

A producer gestured the guests to come forward, as Alois introduced his guests.  
“Ladies and gentleman, our next guests are here are going to knock it out of the park to knock you into the park. As representatives of the Parks and Recreation department, here are some of the people of the Parks and Recreation department!” 

Applause ensued and Mercie gave Constance an encouraging rub on the back before leaving, as Ashe and Constance went on-stage and took their seats. Ashe shaking around in his. The spotlight? Not his thing.

“Now, you are the director of the Parks and Recreation department. This means your job has to do with parks, but also, recreation.” Alois started in a stately interviewer voice.

Constance nodded, a bit too fast because of the nerves. “Yes, that’s indeed part of our jobs. We are here to keep people healthy and entertained and to do that we’re organizing a parks market. It is the second day of the Garland Moon, and we ask businesses to do their business in Varley Park for a day, and our department will then organize all kinds of fun activities to do. We got music, sports and a very special guest we cannot reveal yet. It’s gonna be fun, Alois.”

Ashe looked around the crowd, drenching himself in sweat. All those eyes, all those people.

Alois nodded in understanding. “I’ve counted the amount of space in Varley Park and to put it in precise terms, it’s a lot.”  
Constance chuckled. “Well, actually, it’s a park.”  
Alois chuckled. “Now that is funny. ‘Cause it is, in fact, a park.”  
Constance smiled. “It sure is, Alois.”

Ashe chuckled and hopped into the conversation. “That is sure to hit the spot, Rangeld.”   
Alois smiled politely. “I assume you mean the established location, Varley Park. Which, fun fact, will be the location of the event!”  
Ashe shook his head in embarrassment, but kept trying to push his joke. “No, I mean parks, lots, spots….they’re all locations?”  
Alois smiled. “They sure are. You know what my favorite spot is?” he asked.  
Ashe got ready to complete the punchline. “Well, I know what your wife’s favorite spot is, Alois.” he said with a stutter in his voice. “I mean, I’m not in love with your wife...I’m straight..” he stumbled on. “Although, you know uuuh Felix? Felix...uuuh Fratpardjd Flareblitz...the hot one! Knowing him, who...who hasn’t had gay thoughts?” Ashe stumbled on.  
“Anyway, the point is, your wife’s...and generally most women’s favorite spot is...you know.” he said, making a slight thrusting motion in his chair.

Constance filled in for her friend. “You do, Alois, because the answer is Varley Park in two weeks. Second of Garland Moon you all, get ready. Merchants, grab your gear and go to Varley Park. We will tell more later in Enbarr Today, tomorrow” she ended her segment with. Applause from the crowd. Curtains closed.

Constance and Ashe went back stage, with Mercie waiting for them. “Good job Constance, I knew you could do it!” she said as she gave her a cup of coffee.   
“Of course you were right, you trusted me. That’s always a good decision.” Constance teased back.   
“And Ashe, you sure were….a human person.” Mercie nodded.   
Ashe laughed. “Yeah, yeah….haha. Look. I’m sorry. I’m not used to the spotlight. I’m a street rat first and foremost and this city, this glitz, it might not be for me.”

Constance sighed and looked him in the eye. “We need you. You know so much about... economy and budget we need you to convince this town. This town might be harsh for you, but your heart is in the right place. Our next mission is going to be a death trap compared to this cakewalk. Enbarr Today is home to the most hardened journalist in all of Fódlan. I can mostly do this alone. I am that amazing. But I also have faith in you. You know the numbers, you know this city and I know you. You’re gonna do great. Even in the lion’s den.”

Ashe nodded. “Okay then.”

The next morning, they were up early. Enbarr Today was not presented in a small town hall theatre like Ya Rangeld? was. Enbarr Today was presented in the Mittelfrank Opera House, the biggest theatre in all of Fódlan. And for the stone-cold journalism done here, people from across the nation came to see the guests special enough to grace the presence of the presenter.  
The lights shined on stage as the host strutted onto the stage.

“Hello and welcome Enbarr, my name is Manuela Casagranda and you are watching Enbarr Tonight.” she said as a choir of singers kicked in the show.

Backstage, the duo was gathered, waiting for the official green light to walk onstage.  
“Hey!” Ashe greeted Constance with a simple nod.  
“Hello there, Mr. Ubert. How are you on this fine day?”  
“Like my stomach is turned upside down.” Ashe groaned.  
“Obviously. Which I why used my media talent to create a little show. All you have to do is answer questions, as I dazzle Manuela. I’ve got this dog…” Constance said as she opened her bag and a small Aegir Hound popped out. “I asked Dorothea to sing during our introduction aaaaand” Constance built up tension as she took the last item from her bag.

“I got this spell that allow the wielder to glide over the stage as if it were ice….another novelty from Nuvelle! I put it on both of our feet!” she gloated as the producer of Enbarr Today gave the green light for them to go.

“My guests are from the Parks and Recreation department, here to talk about the event of the year, the Park Market Party. Give a warm welcome to Constance von Nuvelle and Ashe Ubert!” Manuela said as she applauded, anticipating her guests.

This was it. The gaunlet of fire.

Ashe slid on his “ice-skates” as Constance held his hand. Dorothea walked along, singing an enticing song about how to seize the day.

“Get on your feet….get up. And make it happeeeeen!” she belted. 

Meanwhile, Ashe and Constance slid into view of the massive theater. “Hey, have you ever walked on ice?” Ashe asked Constance.  
Constance shivered in the lights. They resembled the sun, spiking her anxiety.   
Together with Ashe’s question, she realised something very important.

She did not know how to skate on ice.

“I believe I made a mistake.” she whispered to Ashe, as she let go of his hand to very slowly shuffle over the stage. “I am so so sorry.” she said as she waved to the crowd, taking her due time to walk without falling, barely moving an inch in the process and falling over at every opportunity. “I should not have been here.” she muttered as she looked down to the floor.

Meanwhile, Dorothea kept up the tempo with her song but stopping in-between to gasp at Ashe’s and Constance’s attempt to ice skate. 

“Geeet ooon your feeet, yeaheyahah” she sang, trying to match the tempo of the bumbling duo.

Suddenly, they heard a loud bark as the dog came running towards Constance.   
“No no no no, Yuri, no, no bad dog! No!” Constance said as the dog knocked her over.   
“What the...no! Yuri! Stop!! Poopin’!” she said as she wrestled herself towards her seat.

Finally, they arrived at their chairs.  
“Hello everyone.” Ashe said.   
“How you doin’ Enbarr?” Constance asked embarrassed.

“So.” Manuela started.  
“So.” Constance replied.

“Our introduction may not have been the best.” Constance continued  
“No.” Manuela said.

The public cackled. This wasn’t a show you saw everyday.

“Is this the level of organisation we can expect from this Parks fest?” Manuela started the conversation.  
Constance shook her head. “Aaaaabsolutely naaaaaht.” she said with an extreme accent.

Manuela pouted her lips. “I disagree. From what I’ve heard, your department wastes the taxpayers’ money. I think that’s unfair to the taxpayers in the room this morning. Ashe, I turn to you for this question. Does this financially help, or financially hurt the town?” 

Ashe stammered. “Considering the economy...well...there’s...you know...money in...tax and parks...Also Rec. Very important. And...yeah.” 

Manuela wrote down his answer. “To be fair, it seems like a flop so far. What about you makes you a trustworthy source of this nation’s government gold?” 

Ashe looked at Constance, but Constance refused to answer. Ashe took up the courage to speak up. And this time, he didn’t speak from his Faerghus business sense, but from his newfound Enbarr spirit. 

“I think we’re telling this in reverse. Our entrance..my answers so far...is...what happens...when you … don’t trust your friends.. Or yourself.” 

He looked at Constance and continued.  
“Work at the Parks and Recreation department...gives me confidence…., tin my ability to...show people that...the best way to spend money…..it’s to share it...to make something of it that benefits everyone...something that makes history.” Ashe finished before rocking himself in his seat and hyperventilating.  
Constance smiled. He’s come a long way.

“Very well.” Manuela said. “Constance, anything to add?”

Constance too, was rocking herself in her chair. The lights were too bright, the dog hairs caused tears that the anxiety only worsened. Physically ill from stress, she spoke up.

“Yeah, working..you know...in Parks. I’m happy.” she started.  
“I’m happy..and blessed.” she spoke as she sniffed up tears.  
“To have such great co-workers by my side. Who see what I can’t see. And do what I can’t do...I think that’s the power of government and it’s the power I want to share in Varley Park, the...second day of… uhh..Garland Moon. The power to come together as...the city I fell in love with, with all of its peculiarities and silliness.” she said, fondling with her hair. 

Constance straightened her back and looked directly at Manuela.

“And to be fair Manuela, our entrance was bad. I agree. If this was a political race for office, I wouldn’t have won. But I’m here to talk about an event, which is going to be as fun, if not more fun, than me sabotaging my own entrance. Because that’s the childlike wonder that we lost in the years. To make yourself as silly as possible and fall on your face. To live life and see what it offers. I’m happy to live in Enbarr and to live as a community...and it’s a community I want to spread joy with, I want to lend a service to. So. Varley Park. Second of Garland. We have games, music and well, you know you want to know the special guest. We have. None other. Than….” Constance slowed down and created her own drum roll by slapping her thighs as much as possible.

“Dorte the Horse.”  
Constance finished the sentence.

The crowd went wild  
“Wait wait hold up. You got legendary local hero, Dorte, to appear at your show?” Manuela could barely contain her excitement. 

“All ready to rumble, miss Casagranda. We believe in people and we believe in the power of local business. But we also believe in Dorte. Isn’t she a cutie?”

Ashe couldn’t stop looking at Constance. What was up with that horse though? And why did this town go nuts over it?

“She absolutely is darling and I have to commend you for your spirit and your dedication to public serving. Constance von Nuvelle everybody! Next up, do gluten cause Crest Powers? You hear it here, in Enbarr Today.” Manuela said as the curtains closed. 

“That was amazing.” Ashe said to Mercie as he walked off stage. “That was incredible, that was….that’s …..that’s what Constance does, isn’t it?” 

Mercie laughed. “She sure is special.”   
Ashe sighed. “She sure is.” 

The second day of the Garland Moon arrived and everything was in place. Varley Park was filled with stands with wares both niche, hailing from Abyss, and well-known brands, such as Anna’s Secret. The activities organized by Ferdinand included a hay bale maze, a pole-vaulting competition and of course the show stopping Dorte. All of Sylvain’s lady friends and foes showed up with their children and Hapi gave it all a nice early spring spruce-up. All of this was topped off by Balthus’ King of Grappers hip-hop event. Even Aelfric’s flyers for the “Parks and Rec Event” floated through the wind. Hubert too, enjoyed his chats with the merchants. 

Ferdinand galloped up to Constance. “This is literally, the best event this country has seen. I am happy. I am moving. I am not thinking about crushing defeat. Ten out of ten!” 

The park was full of merchants and people, coming from all around the country to see the fruit of the Enbarr City labor. As the day passed and the evening arrived, people slowly left. 

“I think I want to stay. In Enbarr, I mean.” Ashe said as he walked with the hay bale maze with Constance.   
“I just feel I caught feelings for...this place and I think I can get used to the...spirit of...the town. So, I wanna stay with it a little longer and..kiss it.” Ashe said in a playful tone.

“I don’t think the town would mind. I think your heart is...what this town needs.” she said as she looked at Dorte, who was placed at the center of the maze in a full stable, where the sun couldn’t reach it. Constance glanced briefly at Ashe and leaned in for a kiss, which was perfectly reciprocated by Ashe, who was entranced by her hair waving in the practical ponytail she put it in.   
“Could this moment be any more perfect?” Constance asked. “We’re here, Dorte’s here, we made an event of the ages. We made people happy. I like this feeling. Makes me realize why I do this job.”

“I love you and I like you.” Ashe said.  
“I love you and I like you.” Constance replied. “See Dorte, I said we’d make this a perfect day.”


End file.
